Tag: relationships

If you are considering exploring the landscape of boarding school options, you are on the verge of an insightful journey with your child. After eight years of interviewing, reading applications, connecting with prospective families at admissions events, running a dorm, coaching teams, and advising individual kids, I realized one of my favorite aspects about the job was observing the various ways in which parents and kids interacted throughout the application process and once enrolled. Regularly being part of these exchanges often evoked a retrieval of memories from my own boarding school experience, specifically related to my parents and how our relationship reached newer, meaningful levels during those years.

In an attempt to contextualize what this relational evolution feels like prior to doing it yourself, some anecdotes from my time as a boarding school student and professional are below. Consider this a resource, a guideline, or a mini-memoir to reference as you explore new educational territories with your child.

1. Let Your Child Lead.
   While my parents were literally driving the car, I was driving the process. They functioned more as supporting sounding boards and did not pretend to “know best,” which helped me quickly gain a sense of agency in my decision-making. They asked rather than told and made me feel as though my opinions and feelings mattered. So once I chose to apply and eventually enroll, I was free to own that sense of self-efficacy and pride, knowing that the opportunity was one I sought after myself, not one that was curated for me.
2. Encourage Introspection.
   There is nothing more rewarding for a parent than engaging your child in a way that elicits authentic responses. I felt heard as a child when this happened, and I felt successful as a mentor when a genuine connection resulted out of actively listening. Engaging your child with questions related to their goals, needs, hopes, feelings and preferences is tremendously beneficial both for the relationship to one another and to the process of finding a new school together. Modeling what it means to be introspective often results in your child developing good habits of self-awareness and reflectiveness – critical in both finding a best-fit school and thriving once enrolled.
3. Lower the Stakes.
   Far too often as an admission counselor, I would find myself sitting across the room from a petrified child who was unable to articulate a response to an interview question or lacking conversational agility. When fear of failing motivates behavior, the long-term consequence is often toxic. My parents approached this process as exploratory and without specific expectations – they assured me that the possibility of being rejected from a school was: a) not attached to my value as a person or b) a definition of failure. They were proud of me for choosing to try to stretch beyond my comfort zone in the process of doing so and did not put any sort of pressure on me to achieve a specific outcome.
4. Embrace Discomfort.
   I remember calling home (on my dorm landline!) in my first semester at boarding school and complaining about my advisor; at a later date sharing how I felt the hockey coach wasn’t being fair; and another time being frustrated with my grades. You will also get these calls, but your call to action will be in the form of listening, not fixing. Only much later, in my many years as a dorm head, I discovered a correlation between parents who let their kids struggle and child adaptability. By relinquishing a well-intentioned desire to control or restore comfort, my parents gave me permission to sit in my adversity – it made me feel as though they believed in my ability to problem-solve, but also reminded me they were there to offer support. They made me feel independent, but not alone.
5. Grow Together.
   In a time of adolescence, when there is often a constant push and pull in the parent/child relationship, for me, living away from home actually brought me closer together with my parents. They would make weekly day trips down (three and a half hours each way) to watch my athletic games. I remember looking forward to showing them a new room arrangement in the dorm, sharing my mom’s brownies with my team, talking about my classes, teaching them about the school traditions and inviting them into my life in a way that felt very different than when I was home, seeing them regularly. I loved that they were interested in my friends, my classes, my mentors and who I was becoming. My appreciation for their ability to “show up” for me but not interfere would make me choose the path I did over and over again.

Boarding school is not for every child, nor does it fit every family circumstance. For those who are curious, however, it is certainly worth exploring. Should you want to continue the conversation with someone who has lived it, worked in it and is now viewing it through the lens of an educational consultant, please don’t hesitate to be in touch with me at randi@jsaeducation.com or jump on to the new TABS Connect Worldwide platform.

Have fun!

____

Randi Dumont
Head Educational Consultant & Relational Development Specialist
JSA Education

We know that life as a boarding school student or parent has been greatly affected by the impact of COVID-19. No one could have imagined just a few months ago that boarding schools across the world would be shut, thousands of young people would face the stress and struggle of trying to get home, and pupils would be getting their learning online at home instead of enjoying life in their residence halls at school.

It is natural to be worried at this time. Not just about the health and welfare of family and friends, but also the uncertainty of when schools will reopen and “normal” boarding life can begin again.

Until the danger and impact of COVID-19 has truly passed, it is difficult to answer these questions. Yet despite this uncertainty, there are some things about boarders and boarding schools around the world that we DO know.

Photo courtesy of Cate School

First
Being a boarder means exuding confidence, supporting your friends and community, and being resilient. These are all incredible character qualities that thousands of boarders will be drawing upon to help themselves and others through this challenging time.

Second
Boarding schools were amazing places before this crisis began, and will continue to be when it’s over. No global pandemic will ever daunt the worldwide community of boarding!

And finally…
Boarding school staff care deeply about the young people they look after and support. They remain dedicated to parents and students during this crisis, and look forward to welcoming back their boarders as soon as possible.

We are so proud of our students, faculty and parents who have remained vigilant during this time. Stay safe and healthy. We will see you soon.

Yours,

Dee, Robin, Richard and Pete

Dee Guillemot-Rodgerson, National Co-ordinator, New Zealand Boarding Schools Association, Christchurch, New Zealand 

Robin Fletcher, Chief Executive, Boarding Schools’ Association, London, England 

Richard Stokes, Chief Executive, The Australian Boarding Schools Associations, Australia 

Pete Upham, Executive Director, The Association of Boarding Schools, North Carolina, USA

You might find websites that rank secondary schools — usually by a single factor — the average SAT/ACT score of their students or graduates.

We believe this is highly misleading.

To start, there are no criteria guiding how schools report average SAT/ACT scores. While schools aim to be accurate, they may measure differently, so comparisons are inaccurate.

But in the larger picture — each school is independent, with its own history, mission, and a rich variety of programs and settings that make it completely unique.

To compare secondary schools by a single measure misses the whole point.

You can’t be measured by a single criterion and neither can the school that’s going to provide you with out-of-this-world opportunities — and the things you need to thrive, grow and demonstrate your abilities.

SAT/ACT score is far from the most important factor in determining how prepared a student is for college or university…

Boarding schools build students’ abilities to conquer new challenges, become advocates for themselves, and chart their own paths in new waters.

By the time university comes around, boarding school students are ready to advance themselves creatively, intellectually, athletically, inventively…not simply tackle transition to residential life.

Finding the best school is all about finding the right fit — to help you be the very best you

TABS offers a robust School Finder where you can enter numerous criteria about what you’re looking for in a school.

And we offer the ability to compare schools — by multiple factors — that make a real difference in the quality and character of your experience.

Find Schools Near You

As always, send us a note with your questions at questions@TABS.org anytime!

There’s nothing more American than branding the strategies, tools and decisions that parents are forced to make each and every day. From the way newborns are fed to the schools and extracurriculars you choose, it’s easy to feel scrutinized. More and more parents are turning to others to show them the way via the aptly named notion of “outsourced parenting.”

The need to do more with less — less time and fewer resources — has mandated that parents become more efficient. There’s an app for everything you need, from carpooling and meal planning to help with homework. For most parents, this is a welcome aid when you’re so frequently required to be in multiple places at once. When does it become too much? When does the outsourcing create an insurmountable illusion that you’re simply not doing enough for your children yourself?

“The need to do more with less — less time and fewer resources — has mandated that parents become more efficient.”

You’ll do whatever you need to support your children’s growth and development, but who has time to be the math tutor, SAT prep guide, lacrosse coach, ballet instructor, college adviser or (and!) youth group leader? As your children approach high school and the years most crucial to setting them up for success in all areas of their future lives, there is no doubt you want to do what’s best for them. With increasing pressure and decreasing time, what’s the solution?

Boarding schools offer the antidote to a complicated, piecemeal compilation of outsourced parenting responsibilities. Instead of trying to vet the right people from whom you can trust your precious offspring will learn, boarding schools offer the best of the best, in one safe and supportive environment.

“Instead of trying to vet the right people from whom you can trust your precious offspring will learn, boarding schools offer the best of the best, in one safe and supportive environment.”

Boarding schools have long been lauded for their ability to truly cultivate well-rounded young women and men — preparing them to enter college and real life with all of the skills they’ll need. Autonomy is encouraged, independence is imperative, and support is plentiful. The combination of world-class academics, impassioned professors and mentors and incredible litany of extracurricular activities elevates the boarding school experience, of course, but the true difference is the ability to find all of this in one place. When you don’t have to worry about how you’re going to get your child to ballet or whether he’s prepared for a calculus exam, you’re free to strengthen your parental bond in more important ways.

“…the true difference is the ability to find all of this in one place.”

To be clear, there isn’t anything wrong with outsourced parenting. Asking for and finding help when you need it is an important life skill — one which you can demonstrate to the young minds you’re raising by choosing the right things to outsource. Finding the right boarding school for your child allows you to shift your focus from logistics to forming a relationship that will segue into adulthood.

Outside of your home, boarding school is the second best place for your child to grow, mature and acquire unparalleled confidence, while you cheer them on as their parent: not their Uber driver, project manager or 24-hour laundry service. Ready For More? Sign up to receive helpful articles like this right to your inbox, or explore boarding schools near you.